Creating a Great Sex Life

Welcome to another broadcast of our show. This mornings show will be on the topic of creating a great sex life. Before we begin we want to remind you of some general principles that apply to everything that we are going to be teaching on this morning.

For many couples, this area of marriage brings up a lot of emotional pain. If this describes your relationship, we need to say, be encouraged: HELP is available. You can learn how to have a satisfying and enjoyable sex life. For whatever reason your sex life is not what you want it to be, either through childhood abuse, trauma, or other emotional events, you can overcome the barriers to having a good sex life. If you need help in finding a qualified counselor, call us at NMMF. Secondly, everything that we are talking about today is within the context of healthy marriages. We want to remind you that if there are other factors that are making your marriage unsatisfactory, then you will have difficulty achieving a satisfactory sex life as well.

Next, we’d advise you that creating a great sex life is something that you create, it will not happen on it’s own. Sometimes, our expectations are that great sex will just happen naturally, but nothing could be further from the truth. This is because of the differences between men and women, and the way that we function in our thinking, our emotions, and in our physical bodies. So remembering that the key to a great sex life is that it is something that you learn, and create over time, within a marriage can be helpful.

Another key principle that we’d like to start with, is the principle of commitment. It is interesting, but the meaning of the word “commitment”, when examined, has three parts to it. First of all, there is the idea of “want to” or “desire to join with” someone or some cause. Secondly, is the concept of “coming alongside” or of “joining together for a purpose, or a task”. And finally, is the idea of “giving up something to gain something else.” So commitment means that you have to want to come alongside someone for a purpose, and in doing so be willing to give up something you want, to gain something better! We believe that the best sex occurs when both partners are fully committed to each other in the marriage relationship.

So, again, we want to remind you that a healthy sex life, is an outflow of a healthy marriage. If you need to confront some barriers that are preventing you and your spouse from having a great sex life, we encourage you to get some help from a counselor, a pastor, or there are even some very helpful books that you may consult. Rebecca and I came to our marriage not knowing a lot about sex, and we brought a lot of unhealthy attitudes and ideas into our marriage regarding this topic. Neither of us had good models of healthy sexuality when we grew up, and both of us are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. So, we had a lot of issues to overcome when it came to developing a good sex life, but the important thing for our listeners to hear, is that we learned how to overcome the difficulties and build a good sexual relationship. So, what are some of the factors that influence a great sexual relationship?

First of all, as we already mentioned, commitment is the first requirement. Why is that? Several reasons come to mind. First of all, when two partners are committed to one another, they are able to give themselves totally to one another. If commitment is not foremost in the relationship, it is difficult for the partners to not doubt that they are “for one another” within the relationship. Commitment protects the relationship from the intrusion of others. Another reason that commitment is so important is that it recognizes the importance of your mate. If your life reflects a high commitment to your relationship, then you live in ways that set your relationship apart from all others. In other words, you make time for your relationship—more than once or twice a year!!! A relationship with a high degree of commitment will guard the relationship jealously (in a healthy way), and choose it over other options and possibilities.
Good communication is important for a great sexual relationship. We have done many shows where we have discussed the importance of good communication. If you aren’t communicating well, then chances are that you don’t have the best sex life either! This is true because first of all, good sex IS about good and effective communication. If you have barriers to your communication, it will be more difficult for you to open up and discuss sexual matters with your spouse. Being willing to discuss what you desire, and what feels satisfying and being able to ask your spouse the same questions is essential to building an understanding that will help you in this area. There are a couple of books that can help couples with communication regarding their sexual relationship. One is “Red Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle” by Bill and Pam Farrel, and “The Act of Marriage” by H. Norman Wright. These books are excellent for helping you to begin communicating about what is sometimes a difficult or uncomfortable topic for spouses to discuss.
After commitment and good communication, there needs to be a willingness to learn. Many couples just sort of expect that good sex will occur naturally. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are both separate individuals with differing wants, desires and drives, complicated by the fact that one of you is male, and the other is female. It is difficult for us to REALLY understand what it is like to be in our spouse’s shoes! Talking about such things as your sexual desires, needs and responses can help you to learn a lot about each other. Be willing to let your spouse teach you about his or her body, and be willing to discuss your feelings about this. The more you learn about your spouse’s sexual response, the better you can learn to meet each other’s needs.
Understand the differences between men and women both emotionally and physically and realizing that men and women function very differently from each other. It has been said that in the sexual arena, men perform like microwaves, and women are like crock pots. However, in the emotional realm, it is the opposite: women are like microwaves and men are like crock pots. Approach a man too quickly with “emotional” issues, and he will often shut down or distance himself. However, if his sexual needs are being fulfilled, he will be much more willing to open up emotionally to his spouse. It is also important for women to understand that for most men, we equate sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy. On a recent survey of 10,000 married men, the majority of men indicated that they feel closest to their wives during sexual intercourse. So for many men, sex IS closeness, bonding and the expression of the deepest form of communication and love. Furthermore, many of the men on the survey ranked sexual satisfaction as the number one desire that they had for their marriages. Now ladies, before you judge men too harshly, you must realize that for men, the sex drive is nearly constant because our bodies produce testosterone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. In one study, researchers gave women doses of testosterone, and the women reported that their desire for sex was nearly that of a man’s. So, ladies, understand that for men, the desire for sex is driven by our hormones and the need for physical release. We truly aren’t crazy when it comes to sex!!
Now that we’ve talked a bit about men’s needs, let’s look at sex from the women’s point of view. On the same survey that we just mentioned, it’s interesting to note that out of 10,000 married women, sexual fulfillment didn’t even make it onto the list of the top 10 things that women want from marriage. Other items such as “closeness”, “emotional intimacy”, ‘respect” and “faithfulness” were consistently among the top ten. Men, you need to remember that your wife is not driven by a need to have sexual relations, but by a need to feel close, respected, valued and deeply loved. In other words, if you meet her needs in most other areas she is going to feel more romantic and willing to meet your needs in the sexual relationship. There is an old saying that goes: Sex begins in the kitchen! Think about it men! If you offer to do up the dishes, give the kids a bath, and put them to bed, your wife will get a chance to relax, and then she won’t be so tired later when it’s time for bed……or other activities! When it comes to the physical act of sex, most women need time to relax, and to deal with the cares of the day before they are ready for intimacy, whereas men can relax by having intimacy. So, men, remember that your wife doesn’t think about sex in the same way that you do….for her she needs the right atmosphere, (relaxed) and to be approached in the correct way. As Mark Gungor, a marriage educator has said: “Men, reach your wife’s heart, and she will let you touch her intimately. Women, touch your husband intimately, and he will let you touch his heart.”
Well, now that we have considered some of the differences between men and women in their emotions and their physical responses, let’s discuss some other ideas for creating a great sex life. All too often, married couples fall into a routine that can dull their lovemaking. We encourage you to grow and change in your sexual expression of love for each other, just as you would grow and change in other areas of your marriage. The first idea we have is called: Expanding the Boundaries Sex People crave excitement and stimulation, yet often don’t know how to get it from their spouse. But you can get it by asking your partner about his/her ideas of how you can try something new or different. It may require you to push your comfort zone, but in no case should you agree to something that would violate your standards or be painful. Discussion about your hopes and dreams in this area of marriage helps build trust between you. When you communicate a desire to your partner, you are taking a risk, together, and that will ultimately bond you even closer.
The next idea that we recommend. We call it Maintenance Sex. Let’s face it. Sex isn’t going to be an explosive, eye-gazing, gasping, spiritual encounter every time. Some couples think that everything has to feel perfect, and that you both have to be in a sexual mood to have sex. The truth is, if everyone waited for that, sex wouldn’t happen very often at all. “Just-for-the-sake-of-it” sex is vital to a long term marriage because no matter how much you love your family and friends, this is one activity that excludes everyone else. By making it a habit, you are building regular opportunities for connection with your spouse into your hectic and busy lives. It keeps your bond unique and strong.
Vacation Sex is the next idea that we want to mention! Ah, yes, the turn on effect of the tropics. Thank goodness for it, because vacation sex is an energizing and renewing part of a good sex life. Going on vacation means a break from routine, and often from the stress of normal everyday life. Often this translates into the bedroom as well and helps couples to discover the playful, recreational side of their sexual expression.
Some couples don’t agree with this next idea, but Make Up Sex can be a wonderful way of reconnecting with one another. Make up sex works because after a fight, you both feel exposed and vulnerable. This is a perfect time to bond again. In many ways, make up sex restores a level of closeness that you may feel was damaged. Sex can repair that damage by recognizing that you both trust and love one another enough to engage in soul to soul, physical bonding.
The next idea that we share with couples is the idea of Comfort Sex- If you are feeling sad, depressed, hurt, alone, or have the blues, sex can be the perfect antidote because it is the opposite—it is about being close, warm, loving and together. The desire for connection is a way of declaring you’re “Aliveness” in the face of emotions that make us want to pull away from life.
Finally, we recommend Crazy, Swing from the Chandelier Sex. No matter how long you’ve been married, you need to have sex like this at least once in a while! The good news is, that for couples with good marriages, this kind of sex occurs more often as they are married longer because this kind of sex depends upon good communication, trust, and a level of intimacy that is only reached by truly knowing your partner’s deepest wants, desires, and needs.

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